Another courageous conversation

Superintendent Heath Morrison has been talking up the need for courageous conversations about race.  But the recent school board retreat got me thinking about another courageous conversation many are confronted with:  The conversation with your child's teacher or principal when something goes wrong.

The board was talking about how to handle questions and complaints that should be resolved by staff.  Sometimes parents turn to elected officials as a last resort,  when they've been stymied by a complex system or denied the result they believe is right.  But sometimes they go up the chain first.

Deputy Superintendent Ann Clark,  who spent years as a principal before moving into central offices,  talked about how deflating it was to hear a complaint from a superior when she could have resolved it if the parent had talked to her directly.   "I told parents,  'Go to the person who can solve your problem,' " Clark said.

I listened with interest,  because reporters often find ourselves in a similar situation,  as the court of last resort for some frustrated parents and the first place some turn.   When I ask people why they would call me before confronting the people at school,  the answer is generally,  "I'm afraid they'll retaliate against my child."

Let's stipulate a couple of obvious things:  Good, professional educators don't take their frustrations with parents out on kids.  And in a system this big, they're not all good.

I asked Morrison afterward about the concerns with retaliation.  His take:  Administrators can't resolve a complaint without identifying the family involved.  So ask yourself which is more likely to create anger and resentment:  A direct conversation seeking solutions,  or a complaint that someone took over your head without talking to you?

To my mind,  Wendy Hawkins should be canonized as the patron saint of parents in tough situations.  I wrote about her and her family several years ago.  With both sons afflicted by a progressive, incurable and eventually fatal disease  (read more about Brandon and Jeremy Hawkins and Batten disease here and here),  she faced almost unbelievable frustrations and roadblocks trying to get them help in CMS.  Long past the stage when most of us would have turned into raging dragon ladies,  she stayed calm,  never assumed the worst about others' motivations and carefully documented her contacts.  Because of that,  she won state and court rulings in a system where parents seldom prevail.  Even the people who fought her on legal issues acknowledged she was a model of grace under pressure.

So here's my advice:  Remember the difference between venting and problem-solving.  Vent to your best friend if you need to,  preferably out of earshot of your kids  (remember that what you say at home in anger can color their attitudes about school).  Then keep it concise, calm and solution-focused when you go to the teacher or principal  --  and when you go over their heads if that proves necessary.

As the Hawkins family can attest,  email can be a great way to communicate clearly and document your  efforts and results.  But again:  Blow off steam before you sit down at the keyboard.   Once they're in writing, insults and exaggerations live on forever and hurt your cause.

Just remember:  If you start with "I'm sure we can resolve this,"  you can always escalate to  "This is an outrage!"  But if you go in with a verbal flame-thrower and find out you're wrong,  the damage is done.